White Nose Syndrome

I had a nightmare once when I was young

honey bees were dropping dead on the petal face

bats were flying blindly into brick walls

smack!  splat!  smashing hard into the walls

and a giant dragonfly lifted me from my tricycle

to carry me away as food or perhaps a decoration in a nest

back then every living creature seemed to me to be of supreme divinity

touched, if you will, by the hand of god

not much has changed, I suppose, even with age,

disillusion,

still I do not understand how to seperate myself

from the trees or the poison ivy or the intensely unpleasant fire ants

that are born, and live, and die

all without permission from anyone that I can tell

except for maybe the sun and the dirt and the dew

Thursday 13 - Algorithm

1 - In SC, women earn only 70% of what men earn for the same jobs, on average.  For African American women, make that 65%.  SC has the lowest female voting participation of any state in the U.S.  Want another one?  Okay.  Every 51 seconds, a SC teenager becomes pregnant.

2 - Which leads me to the impression that, yeah, this place is beautiful.  But HOLY CRAP the people here are struggling.  Everyone, everyone!  By show of hands, how many of you are actively involved in looking after the well-being of your sisters, daughters, wives, friends, and cohorts?  Anyone?  Anyone?  No?  Didn’t think so.

3 - Favorite tid bit this week:  exercise makes your brain weight remain steady as you age, rather than weigh less as you age.  Apparently, as you age, your brain loses mass as it deteriorates and loses synapses.  But, old people who exercise don’t seem to have that problem.

4 - Second favortie tid bit:  Exercise also helps you keep from losing density in your bones as you age.  Guess what?  EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU!  Who knew?

5 - There is a friend of mine who wants to wear high heels, but is embarassed by the noise they make when she walks.  I say, our culture has told us two very different stories.  Wear high heels to look appealing and feminine.  Also?  Be as quiet as a mouse and go unnoticed.  Speak only when spoken to.  But, wear high heels. But go unnoticed.  But be sexy.  Just don’t be garish.  But be seen.  But not heard. 

6 - Apparently, according to many “happiness gurus“, having a positive outlook on life is like developing a muscle.  The more you exercise the positive outlook, the easier it gets and stronger it becomes.  I like this analogy, because I know a lot about physical fitness, but emotional fitness has always evaded me.

7 -Um.  Hmm.  So life is really predictable.  Work.  MBA.  Run.  Clean.  Cook.  Mow lawn. Sleep.  Wake up.

8 - So far this summer, I have spoken in public to groups of people a total of 16 times.  Some of the groups have been as small as 10 people, some as large as 40.  Some were to my MBA classes.  But about 10 have been to incoming freshmen (part of my job).

9 - The only time I got nervous was this week, when I had to get up in front of a crowd and introduce a very prominent woman leader in the Charleston community.  I kept fearing I would mis-pronounce her last name.

10 - I applied for a pharmaceutical sales rep. job last week.  So far, the only thing that application has done for me is to have initiated a chain of unsolicited emails from “PHARM REP 101!” and “WANT TO HAVE THE TOP CAREER IN THE US?  BECOME A PHARM REP!” and “LIKE BEGGING ARROGANT M.D.s FOR MONEY?  PHARM REP IS FOR YOU!” ad nauseum.  CANNOT EMPHASIZE STRONGLY ENOUGH HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS.

11 - MBA = Might Be an Asset.  Maybe.  If you get lucky. 

12 - Not really, though.  I realized something, just this past Monday:  I never believed I was capable of really being successful at anything.  I had done a very good job in my early 20s of thoroughly convincing myself that I could not follow through, could not maintain the focus, could not, could not, could not.  But, the MBA has allowed me to finally prove myself wrong, and has given me solid evidence that in fact, I can succeed.  I can try, and I can succeed.  And, I really needed that to be able to move to the next phase in my life.  So, I think that is worth all the money in the world, really.  Even if it doesn’t convince a drug company to hire me.

13 - Favorite word this week:  Algorithm.  It makes me see numbers streaming around in steely colors, shimmering like butterflies, leading into the great unknown.  For some reason, I also associate it with black holes.  And we all know how much I LOVE black holes.  *ahem*  Event. Horizon.

What if you were struck by lightning?

backward unwinding coil

following an electric charge from end to beginning

rewinding while going forward in time

there is a dream that I love

I spend a lot of time there

it’s a place where I matter

so people make room for me

and think about me

when I’m not around

Thursday 13 - Me & My House

1 - Me and my house are in the middle of what you could call a “spat”.  I want to burn her to the ground, she wants to string me from the ceiling fan.

2 - My house has asbestos shingling, painted a pleasant shade of green.  Soon, I will repaint the house.  I will use the color of wet cement, my favorite color.

3 - There is a playground across the street from my house.  In the summertime, hoards of neighborhood boys collect on the basketball court from about 7:00 -  9:00 pm.

4 - In my backyard, I have a small garden with tomato plants, green peppers, cilantro, mint, yellow squash, cucumbers, watermelons and pumpkins.

5 - This garden has drawn the affections of a certain silvery-green garden snake.

6 - Last Sunday, I almost chopped him up with the weed whacker.  Luckily, I caught a glimpse of him through my peripheral vision and was able to shut the machine off in time.  Killing such a beautiful creature would have made me very ashamed of myself.

7 - Last Saturday, I was picking ripe tomatoes, and to my horror, saw one of the tomatoes become animated.  It looked like the tomato had suddenly started wriggling and shimmering, almost like I was having a psychadelic halucination.  Upon closer inspection, I realized it was completely covered with small, red-tomato-colored insects.

8 - I still have no idea what they are, but I saw one yesterday on the side of my green house.  It reminded me of Christmas.

9 - Spiders.  Are everywhere.  Outside of my  house.  The carport, both porch lights, the banisters, my laundry room.  Most of them are brown in color, so I just leave them alone. 

10 - Last Saturday, I sprayed pesticide around some windows, and out fell a suddenly-dying black widow.  She was the size of a freaking DIME!  She was HUGE!  I was TERRIFIED!  Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  And, then I felt HORRIBLE for having accidentally sprayed her.  I figured that if spiders feel pain, she was probably really hurting with all that poison.  So I took off my shoe, and hit her real good.  Then I went inside and cried.

11 - I have 3 crepe myrtle trees in my front yard.  One of them was planted a little too close to the large bradford pear, so it leans toward the house in a very steep slant.  It’s almost ornamental looking, like it is being held down by some invisible giant who is going to use it as a sling-shot.

12 - My floors are concrete.  The house had wood and mis-matched tile when I moved in, but I don’t like incongruity of texture and color, so I took it all up and now I have what was left underneath.  They are nice and cool in the summertime.

13 - I have a gas oven and I really don’t care for it.  I know a lot of people appreciate the old-timey merits of gas ovens.  But, I really disagree with the smell of the gas, and how dirty the eyes get.  It is harder to cook with gas eyes because the eyes get so hot so fast.  Ergo, I burn everything.

signs

busy mind, lost in the shuffle

of the civilized world, answering phone calls

showing up tired and empty

wanting silence, sleep, anything but this

business of being alive,

this closed system of vessels and circuits

always needing something

food, shelter, air, rest, love

busy mind

cob-webbed mind

not a good filter, but a trap for getting stuck

the things of the wild world

as they try to call

reveal themselves in codes

complicated scores, inside out echoes, hollow and low

why?

why is it that every time

I come to an end with you

I find littered in my path

at the meeting of the earth and my feet

the dead body of an embryonic bird

baked in the sun, without her feathers

purple-black skin in a bed of a

crushed egg shell the color of sunrise on a cloudy day

or a small lizard

with his innards chewed out

nothing left but the reflective white scales of his chin

and then his spine spiked with ribs, and his rubbery tail?

is this a sign?

is this the language of a wild God

with a sick sense of humor

saying, look here,

in a matter of time

this is going to be you?

Green Haired Giants*

That is Randolph Hall.  I walk past that building at least 20 times every day.   Needless to say, I live and work in a jaw-droppingly beautiful place.

Randolph Hall is framed on 3 sides by old live oak trees.  If you’re not a southerner, you might not be familiar with live oaks.  They are evergreen trees.  They have thick, double-folded bark and limbs that twist and gnarl.  As a live oak ages, the limbs become so heavy that they often grow toward the ground instead of staying parallel.

These trees are enchanting.  They are story-book trees.  You might even say they are magical trees.  I am fully convinced they are the strongest power that pulled me into settling in Charleston.  They are the reason I work where I work, and live where I live.  They make the most gorgeous sounds during storms - with the creak and sway of pliable arms - and release the lovliest dirt-perfume in the morning steam.  They drop their leaves in copious quantities, but not in the Fall.  They do so in Spring, when the new buds push the old leaves out.

In the winter, their wide, twisting trunks stay warm.  And even on the driest day, if you walk up and put your hand on the tree, you can feel the layer of moisture evaporating from it’s moldy old body.  They are also home to the most remarkable creatures:  night cranes large enough to make you think about dinosaurs, banana spiders that grow to the size of tarantulas by summers end, and bright green little chameleons that do push ups to warn off competitors - just to name a few.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love these old trees.  I am thankful to be near these old trees.

*”Green Hair” stolen from a Mary Oliver poem, “Black Oaks“

Habituation

Funny thing about being an animal:  you can get used to anything.

Saturday morning, I woke up early and got to the beach at about 7:30.  God, it was beautiful.  There was a distinctive white-silver light cast over the entire horizon.  The clouds were indistinguishable from the sky.  And the ocean peaked with thousands of platinum sparkles.

The residents of the island were out walking their dogs, mostly.  No tourists were up yet.

When I was living in West Virginia, I would have paid $100 million to have enjoyed that experience.  But, after living here for 8 years, I take it for granted.  And instead of enjoying it for the pure, heart-bursting physical beauty of it, all I could think of was how lonely it was to be there by myself.

It didn’t mean anything to me because I wanted someone to share it with.

If I could change only one thing about being human, I think I would change my ability to habituate to beauty. 

I would love to be able to see the ocean every single time with new eyes, and experience it with a new heart.  Like someone who had never sensed the salt air before in her life, or heard the hollow call of gulls, or watched the pelicans soar above the waves looking for fish. 

I would love for beauty to always be brand new.

Thursday 13 - Mind Bending & Cockroaches

1 - I’m starting this Thursday 13 thing because I always enjoy other people’s Thursday 13s.

2 - I don’t have plans for July 4.  I’m not happy about that.  I need to have more fun, but there is nobody in my life to have fun with.  And that is entirely my fault.

3 - I recently bought the new Cold Play cd, “Viva la vida.  Or, death and all of his friends“.  It is the first cd I have purchased in about 5 years.  It is awesome, and I have never spent $10 so well.

4 - I have visions of my mortgage payment.  It is pictured in my mind as a big, black blob with angry red eyes and sharp, pointy teeth.  I consistently imagine my mortgage eating me alive, sneaking up behind me on a bright, sunny day - usually while I am enjoying a bird song - and then swallowing me whole.  Then, it smiles wickedly.  Not unlike this thing.

5 - In a recent conversation with a new therapist, I discovered that when I try to meditate, I have wild visualizations.  Instead of being able to focus and reign in my thoughts, I become engrossed with surreal, moving images.  Visualizations of colors and abstract shapes.  They take over my visual field, meaning, I can’t see what’s around me because if I open my eyes, they are still there, superimposed over top of the real world.  I say I discovered it because it is such a natural thing for me to do, and I have done it for so long when I daydream, that I didn’t even realize it was something remarkable, which might function as my own brand of meditation.

6 - There are certain strings of words that really get my imagination going.  One of my favorites is “Event Horizon”.  Those two words together elicit all kinds of beautiful images in my mind, and stories that could unfold involving those two words.  Do you have triggers like that?

7 - A new perspective:  doing things you don’t want to do, when you are too tired to do them, can either make you physically ill, or can make your brain grow a new sprout.  Or both.

8 - In the balance of the 3 possible outcomes, I think it is worth getting sick to grow a new brain stem.

9 - When I imagine where my life right now will lead me to in 10 years, I don’t like what I see.  Do you?  I really, really hope you do.

10 - Question I’ve been asking myself:  Is your ego bigger than your id?   Are you not seeing something that is right in front of your eyes just because you’ve created a blind spot for yourself?

11 - Do you ever wonder if you are wrong about something that you have long considered yourself to be right about?

12 - Yesterday I learned about information processing in the human brain.  When your body senses anything, your brain automatically encodes the information.  But the catch is that it does so according to all of the experiences that you have already had, which have been made into “schemas” by your brain.  The problem comes when your brain processes the information according to a schema that the information doesn’t really belong in.  This happens more frequently than you might think.  In fact, if you are reading this, it might be happening right now.

13 - My house has so many holes in it, and drafty window sills, and cracks under sinks, and dislocations in the ceiling, that I can’t get the cockroaches to stay out.  Even though I have sprayed enough poison to kill my cat.  Every night, I’m killing at least one with my shoe.  It makes me want to burn the house to the ground.  Also, I will wake up in the night in a panic that I felt one crawling on me in my sleep.  Which, they never are, but I have a fear.  A deeply disturbing fear.

A Whole New World Just Opened Up To Mine Eyes

Do you need a laugh? 

If so, you have to see these PHOTOBOMBER pictures.  This is the funniest thing I have EVER seen.  In my entire life. 

My Mosaic

So, I’ve seen this everywhere, it’s a photo mosaic where you use flickr to answer the following questions about yourself.  I followed suit in this meme from Jen at Chapter Next, who is one of the best writers on the web.

The questions are:

   1. What is your first name?
   2. What is your favorite food?
   3. What high school did you attend?
   4. What is your favorite color?
   5. Who is your celebrity crush?
   6. What is your favorite drink?
   7. Where would you go on your dream vacation?
   8. What is your favorite dessert?
   9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
  10. What do you love most in life?
  11. Choose one word to describe you.
  12. Your Flickr name?